Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I do not Remember writing this.

ok. i understand the no more talking thing.
i understand. truly. this isn't me trying to get you
to talk to me. This is simply an explanation
as to why I've gone completely crazy about this situation.

I didn't offer this explanation on Tuesday because i was at work. But! now i have the internet in my house.
how convenient.

So, every night, i dream, just like any other normal person.
Awhile ago me and a very close friend of mine started having the same dreams. with the same people. same colors. and everything. I decided i would teach myself how to lucid dream, so i could get to the bottom of this strange occurrence.

After a couple of weeks of sitting up straight, drinking mass amounts of NyQuil mixed with whiskey, i was finally able to walk around in my dreams thinking clearly. i found lots of strange things, one of which was you, and a deeply seeded problem my mind has with people and hurting them, and how I continue to do so. My friend and I talked and talked, we eventually came to the conclusion that I should try and reach you.

So, after sending you emails and not getting any response, I gave up. But the intoxicated me tried even harder, saying ridiculous things, blaming things that weren't at fault. Doing things, which at times i wish i hadn't done. So now I'm at a standstill. the problem I have must be dealt with on my own. I feel like I need to talk to you, and this I can not understand, honestly, I don't even know what I would ask you.

hows the weather.
your life?

shit like that I guess. I'm just scared. and i hate thinking about this everyday. I thought it would just go away, but everyday it just gets louder and louder. I don't know what happened.
I guess I feel like maybe you could have given me answers.
I remember a promise that was made, I don't know if you do, its possible that I dreamt it, I don't know. You once said something that gave me hope for a future. a promise for assistance, I'm sure i fucked that up though with the numerous physical interactions.

I realize I've been harassing you through these letters. and that is the last thing i want to do to anyone, especially you.

I apologize with every bit of love and compassion and sadness that i have. i don't know if that makes since.
I know I'm not supposed to talk to you anymore, and I will respect that. I'm just trying to close a wound i never knew I had up until a few months ago, this isn't a pity party, I just don't want to never talk to you again. that scares the shit out of me, but, communication requires two people, and i respect your wishes greatly, and I've fucked up this situation one to many times.

I hope you read this, i hope you are happy wherever you are.

I'm getting a really funny tattoo in a couple of days

it says, in a speech bubble


that's what i saw in my dream.
i don't think you remember.
and i didn't think that i did.